Clap On! Clap Off!
by Sylvia and Gwen
Summary: First in series PG for house elf abuse and mild swearing. Sirius can't find Kreacher so he hooks him up to a clapper (The car keys findy thingy) and Kreacher is Siriusly upset about that!


Title: Clap On! Clap Off!  
  
Authors: Sylvia And Gwen! Or Gwen and Sylvia, whichever.  
  
Description: Sirius can't find Kreacher so he hooks him up to a clapper (The car keys findy thingy) and Kreacher is Siriusly upset about that!  
  
And now the Story:  
  
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"Kreacher. Kreacher? KREACHER! Get your elf butt down here THIS INSTANT!" Sirius Black walked through his home, searching for Kreacher. He was hiding again, and Sirius was mad to say the least. Kreacher drug himself into the room, glaring. "I swear, I need to find a better way to keep track of you!"  
  
Kreacher glared, and muttered something about "Mistress and her dishtowels" and then he went to clean.  
  
"Sirius!" Came a jovial voice from the kitchen. "I thought you might be bored, so I brought you some magazines." It was Arthur Weasley, muggle expert extraordinaire. (A/N Gwen: Yeah. Right.)  
  
Sirius and Arthur talked for a while, until Weasley had to go. Sirius sighed, and picked up one of the magazines entitled "Electronics Today" And began to flip through it.   
  
Suddenly, one of the ads popped out at him. "A clapper?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. "Clap on, Clap off, Clap On Clap Off..." He began muttering the jingle Hermione had been singing earlier in the summer. He clapped officially, and a smile crept across his lips. "Oh Kreacher!" He sang out slyly. "Come heeeere..." His voice becoming increasingly menacing.  
  
He filled out the order form, and waited the four weeks for it to arrive. He sighed, when he finally realized, it wasn't coming! He decided to write Hermione to ask her what to do.  
  
i Dear Hermione,  
  
I found an ad for a "clapper" in a muggle magazine. I filled out the form, but it still hasn't come. I keep looking over the form to see if I made any mistakes, but I can't find any! Help! What should I do?!  
  
~Snuffles. /i  
  
He mailed the letter to Hermione, and the next day, he got his answer.  
  
i Dear Snuffles,  
  
Of course it hasn't come! Mail me the clapper form, and I'll take care of it. I'll send you the clapper, but, may I ask what you're using it for? I mean, what could you POSSIBLY need with a clapper?  
  
Sincerely Hermione. /i  
  
Sirius blinked. Ok, he'll send Hermione the order form. He nodded, and smiled, humming the clapper jingle, as he began to write her back.  
  
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MEANWHILE...  
  
Hermione sat in the common room, Crookshanks on her lap. She was alone, if you didn't count Harry and Ron, when they heard a tapping noise on the window. It was an owl. Harry got up, and let it in, and it flew over to Hermione.  
  
She took the letter from the owl, and read it once silently. "Oh Sirius..." She muttered, and shook her head.   
  
"What?" Harry and Ron asked together, Harry slightly panicy, and Ron, curiously. Hermione smiled, and read the letter out loud.  
  
Harry's eyes widened, and he hit his head on the table. Ron just looked confused. "What did he do wrong?" he asked, blinking.  
  
Hermione shook her head, and explained that he had forgotten to MAIL the form to Ron, who promptly cracked up in fits of hysterical laughter. She picked up a piece of parchment and wrote Sirius back, shaking her head.  
  
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i Dear Hermione,  
  
Enclosed is the clapper form, and here's the explanation of what I'm using it for. I've been having trouble finding Kreacher lately, and the ad said "never lose things again", so I figured, with a clapper, I wouldn't lose Kreacher! So, what was I doing wrong anyway? Kreacher has been mumbling about dishtowels, so I'm thinking he might be able to use it to find those as well. Thanks a million Hermione, and tell Harry to practice occlumency!  
  
~Snuffles /i   
  
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Hermione looked appalled. "This completely goes against S.P.E.W.!" She yelled, right into the crowded common room. Everyone stopped what they were doing, and turned to look at Hermione, who handed the letter to Harry. Harry laughed. Everyone was hanging on every word of the conversation.   
  
"Hermione, do it anyway, this could be funny." She glared at him.  
  
"How is it funny to hook a house-elf up to a clapper?!"  
  
A few muggle-borns in the common room laughed, gaining them glares from Hermione, and the purebloods looked plain confused, including Ron, who took the letter and read it. "What's wrong with locating a house elf via clapper?" He asked, and Hermione glared at him, and explained the concept. Harry shook his head, and after argueing with Hermione for a half-hour, finally got her to agree to send the clapper.  
  
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Dear Snuffles,  
  
You want to use the clapper on KREACHER?! I really don't approve of this, but Harry convinced me to do it anyway. Enclosed is the clapper, and the instructions. Read them.  
  
Sincerely Hermione. /i  
  
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When Sirius read Hermione's reply to his latest letter, he was in danger on his eyebrow coming off his face. What was wrong with using the clapper on Kreacher?! he opened the clapper and set it on the table. He clapped and it started beeping. "Clapper, find Kreacher." He said, and sat down, to watch the clapper retrieve him. "Clapper? Find Kreacher Please?" He said, waiting.  
  
He blinked. Right, it was high time to write Hermione again.  
  
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i Dear Hermione,  
  
I turned the clapper on, but everytime I clap, all it does is beep. It's not helping me find Kreacher. Should I give it "clapper treats" to make it more cooperative? It DOES work with owls after all. Or is there some secret to the clapper, like tapping it four times and singing that jingle? Please help!  
  
~Snuffles. /i  
  
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Hermione read this and blinked at the stupidity and muttered "I thought I told him to read the instructions..." She rolled her eyes, and handed the letter to Ron and Harry.  
  
Ron raised an eyebrow. "What IS he doing wrong?" He asked, and Harry cracked up laughing yet again. They explained it to Ron, who nodded slowly. "So he just has to glue the clapper to Kreacher? Or will tape do?" He asked.  
  
"Oy." Harry sighed.  
  
"Harry, your godfather is an idiot when it comes to muggle things." She stated simply, and began to write back.  
  
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i Dear Snuffles,  
  
Did you read the instructions?  
  
~Hermione. /i  
  
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Sirius glared down at the letter. Of COURSE he had read the instructions! Was it HIS FAULT if they were in Bloody Japanese?! Her picked up a new piece of parchement and wrote back.  
  
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i Dear Hermione,  
  
OF COURSE I READ THE BLOODY INSTRUCTIONS! THEY WERE IN BLOODY JAPANESE! SO PLEASE EXCUSE THE FACT THAT I'M HANGING ONTO MY BLOODY SANITY BY MY BLOODY FINGERNAILS AND HELP ME OUT HERE!  
  
Calmly Snuffles. /i  
  
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"Well he didn't have to get so violent." Hermione said, and handed the letter to a shocked Harry, who passed it on to Ron.  
  
"I'm writing back." And she did.  
  
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iDear Snuffles,  
  
The English instructons begin on page 52.  
  
~Hermione  
  
P.S. Harry says to watch your mouth./i  
  
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"Since when did Harry start giving ME orders?!" Sirius said to the letter, but flipped open the instruction book.  
  
Kreacher crept around the next room, laughing at his Master's antics, not realizing his fate was to be hooked up to a clapper.  
  
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iDear Hermione,  
  
Sorry for the yelling. Thank you for the help! Enclosed is a mood quill. It turns colors according to your mood. I sent it as a thank you for all the help!  
  
~Snuffles.  
  
P.S. Tell Harry to practice, and stop ordering people around./i  
  
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Kreacher squirmed and writhed, as Sirius attatched the clapper. His left ear was now weighted down by the device. "Kreacher is not wanting to clap sir! Kreacher is not clappering sir! Kreache--"  
  
"Shut up." Sirius said, clapping, and Kreacher immediatly covered his ears with his hands to stop the noise, and began banging his head on the ground. "AH! Kreacher! OW! Is! OW! Not! OW! Clappering! OW! Sir!!! OWWWWW!!!"  
  
Finally, he hit his head at an angle, and the clapper broke. Thus ends this little paradox.  
  
THE END!  
  
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A/N: So how was it? REVIEW! Yes, we know the clapper is a light thingy, but we're talking about the little clappy things you use to find your car keys. Have a better term? Please tell us! Also, we borrowed the jingle, so even if that's not what were talking about, HE doesn't know the difference! This has been a Fanfic by Sylvia and Gwen.  
  
Cheers! 


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